Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Feelings and Parenting

Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to crawl back into bed under all those covers and wait for tomorrow  to come and see if when you wake up it will be a better day?  I am having one of those days.  Or should I say the last few days. 

I have had dissertations with the kids, family and a lil one that does not want to be put down.  As I sit here I have Ky being good watching Dora and Alyssa trying to go to sleep but for some reason she thinks its not time to nap and would rather be upset.  I on the other hand had lots to do and maybe I have put too much on myself but that is how I always have been and don't think it is going to change anytime soon.  I know I need to figure out certain days for certain things with the kids, for myself, school, blogging and eBay.  But when Friday comes and then the weekend the kids are all that matters and we just go go go. 

Right now I am having to deal with my 9 year old soon to be 10  thinking that she can do as she pleases and not wanting to do anything I tell her when I tell her she thinks she can do it at her leisure.  Not going to happen.  I ask her to do things for a reason and she needs to understand that.  I am also feeling kinda left out to a point with her too.  She is getting older and is having questions due to what they are reviewing in school about growing up and she would rather talk to grandma than me and I can understand to a point because I did not want to talk to my mom but it still hurts.  It also seems sometimes that mommy isn't good enough for her anymore but I know she is older and I have the other 2 that require attention and she may at sometimes feel left out.  I get that and I try for one on one time but it is hard with the schedules.  I guess it is something I just have to do.

Summer is coming and what am I going to do for the kids this summer?  I work 4/10 hrs days at home and that make for a very boring day.  Camp is so expensive and Ky would never last.  Jeremy says he is going to take them to the pool and do what he can but when work comes along we need him to do that.  Grandma is going North for 3 weeks, so what are we gonna do?  I have found 2  1 week camps for Ciera and I am going to put her in those but that is only have the day then what?  Everyone works except my sister and that is a whole other post. 

I sometimes feel like a bad mom, I guess I expect too much from Ciera and I am said to baby Kylie and Alyssa she is just a baby but will be 2 in August.  I try to do what I can when I am off and whenever possible but to me it feels like it is never enough.  Now that I am in school that take up my time and I sometimes feel the walls are closing in but I know that I can push myself and get it done because I need to better there lives and mine and that is the reason I made the decision to go back to school. 

I love my kids so much that I do anything and everything for them but is it too little or do I shelter too much that they will be images of me when they grow up?   I hope not I want them to be strong and outgoing and be able to stick up for each other and be close and not let anything come between them.  I want them to know that if they need each other they will be there for each other anytime.

I guess the reason for my post is that things are just going round and round in my mind today and had to vent it out a little bit.  Family is constantly on my mind and the issue we are having but I have no control over others actions and I need to learn to live with that and more on.  I guess you could say I am like my mom I pretty much stay at home not too many friends at all and keep stuff bottled up. That may change someday but you never know.  So take a moment and hug your kids and speak to family because sometimes things and people are taken for  granted and you know when you might need them or they need you and your too busy.

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